Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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