Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
