Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize