mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
