Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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