Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
