I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
