Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
