Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
sarcasm needs its own font
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize