i used baking grease as lip gloss
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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