I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
