she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
