Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
