Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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