in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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