y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
