he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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