the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
