So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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