she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
