i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
