Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
