i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
