After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
