Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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