Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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