I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
