ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
