woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
