you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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