Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
