Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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