end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
