I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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