I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
