At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
MIDGETS
????
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
