thus making me awesome and them whores
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
