I just pynch a tree in the face
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
