i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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