Im at strip club and am horny
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
