It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This is the high leading the old right now
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
