So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
