Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
