She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
