There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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