i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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