if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
