There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
