Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
