wrigley field is MILF paradise
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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