My friends, they love my intelligence
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
