my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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