I wish I could punch you in the face.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Randomize
