The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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