I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
