Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
