Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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