break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
