It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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