"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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