I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
