Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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