I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize