Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
