Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dicks are not precious.
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